personal

I honestly have no idea what to do anymore…

The “SUICIDE is my only option!”
“Anyway, how can  I live when the best part of me dies?”

For a long time I thought about ending my own life. Yet, I’m afraid to do so, knowing that I don’t have the right to do this, and who am I to take the life God chose me to have? God let me Have this life to live, and what I’m gonna do? Take it? How dare me think such things, shame on me.
But, hopelessness controls me and suicide is my only option to end everything I’m going through. Yes, I gave up everything, even my faith just to escape from the situation where I’m in. I even prayed that I may take an accident that will easily end my life…. And *** months ago, one of the darkest time of my life I’ve made a serious attempt.  I prepared myself on what to do, I already have goodbye letters for my love ones. But, Mr. God put me in a situation which changed my mind. He reminded me to think about my family and the people who care for me. What would they feel if I’m gonna to do this? Of course they’re gonna feel sad and most of all I’m going to hurt them.  And that’s the last thing I would want to do, hurting my love ones. Then one of them said “kung ginawa mo yun at umuwi kang bangkay na lang di ko kakayanin, baka susunod na rin ako… those words crushed my heart. Then I ask myself “how about me? Kaya ko pa ba?… I’m torn between myself and my love for them.  But, I have to choose… and I choose to hold on… “sige kakayanin ko pa. Lord ikaw na bahala sa akin… I know you won’t give up on me and please continue to give me reasons to hope.” So I decided to still fight and hold on. Nothing compared to that moment and I’m always scared that one day it might happen again. Everything else has just been dark days of me thinking the simplest way to stop all my problems would be to just end it all.  And here I am now in the same hopeless situation hoping that one day I’m gonna be okay…still believing that Mr. God will help me to be okay.  There are still moments filled with lonely, horrible suicidal thoughts, but I’m holding myself not to do it. Everyday is a struggle for me, a struggle to keep going strong. Yet, still reminding myself that I have this whole life ahead of me. Maybe it would be filled with love and pure happiness.
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